Exams have always been a source of stress and anxiety for students. The anticipation, the preparation, the high stakes—all of these factors contribute to a whirlwind of emotions. On results day, these feelings culminate into a moment that can either bring elation or disappointment. As parents, what we say, and most importantly how we feel, is important for them, for us, and for our relationship with them. However, don’t worry too much as we are not the only ones who will impact how they feel about the exam results. Our job is to love them and to be somehow separate from their academic results, helping them befriend those emotions of stress and anxiety, and showing them they are safe while they explore how they feel navigating those emotional waves.
It is important to acknowledge that it is not easy for parents, especially nowadays, to teach their children how important school and results are while also showing them that it doesn’t really matter because our ultimate goal—happiness—doesn’t depend on their academic path. It’s not easy to avoid being scared if they are failing, or if we see them being lazy or not working as hard as we think they should. Finding the balance of what to say to not put too much pressure, but still convey the importance of their efforts, can be challenging.
The most important thing is to come from the right place, keep your fears in check, and accept and respect who they are as they become mature enough to build their own future. Let me help you find some ideas on what not to say to your kids on exam results day, based on how we can best support them and focusing on what truly matters: their personal growth and happiness.
Let’s first aknowledge:
The Unfairness of Exam Pressure
It can feel quite unfair to have so much at stake in a single exam. What if your child has a bad day? What if they haven’t slept well and forget crucial information? While we can all agree on how unjust this system can be, it is the reality we must navigate until changes are made. The best we can do is adapt and help our children cope with the pressures they face. And somehow trust that their inner wisdom will guide them towards their life mission.
The Difference Between Value and Performance
Ideally, we should start differentiating our kids’ value from their school performance when they are very young. This way, we won’t have to learn under stress what to say or do at the last minute when they are overwhelmed. It is essential to realise that their performance in school doesn’t define who they are, their intelligence, or their future potential success. We can all agree that ultimate success equates to happiness, and true happiness stems from other areas like self-acceptance, self-love, kindness, compassion, and gratitude—not just academic achievements. By focusing on these values, we equip our children to face exams and other life challenges with the right mindset.
The Bigger Picture
The school system, designed long ago to integrate new generations into the workforce, is not the ultimate determinant of happiness or success. Many studies have proven that what truly makes people happy is being of service to others and make a difference in their lives. The workforce is meant to give us an economic position, but it should also be seen as our way of bringing our talent to the world and collaborating with other human beings. Heal them as doctors, help them as lawyers, or teach them as teachers etc. but there are also other ways. What we learn at school and the current system is not entirely designed to foster the whole wide variety of possible talents and ways of sharing them with the world. If for some reason this traditional path isn’t the one to expand your children ´s potential, there will be other ways uncovered for sure. Knowing this in our hearts will help us be more calm and trusting facing any outcome.
We need to foster discipline, effort, and a strong work ethic, not as measures of worth, but as tools to achieve desired outcomes within the existing system. This approach helps children understand that while their efforts in studying are essential, they do not define their intrinsic value or their mission in life.
Ideas of What Not to Say on Results Day
1. “Your brother/sister did better in that subject.”
Comparing siblings can create feelings of inadequacy and resentment. Each child is unique, with different strengths and weaknesses. Celebrate their individual efforts and achievements instead.
2. “I thought you were predicted a higher mark.”
Expressing disappointment in their performance can be incredibly disheartening. Predictions are just that—predictions. Focus on their effort and the hard work they put in.
3. “This grade will affect your future.”
While it’s true that exam results can influence opportunities, emphasising this can add unnecessary pressure. Reassure them that there are multiple pathways to success and that one exam will not define their entire future.
4. “Why didn’t you study harder?”
This question only adds to their guilt and stress. Instead, ask them how they felt about the exam and what they think could be improved for next time. This promotes a constructive approach to learning.
5. “I’m disappointed in you.”
Hearing this from a parent can be devastating. Your child needs to know that your love and support are unconditional, regardless of their academic results.
What to Say Instead
1. “I’m in awe of the effort you put in, bravo.”
Recognising their hard work helps them feel valued for their dedication, not just their results.
2. “How do you feel about your results?”
This opens up a dialogue and allows them to express their emotions, making them feel heard and understood.
3. “What do you think you learned from this experience?”
Encouraging them to reflect on their experience helps them see exams as a learning opportunity rather than just a test of knowledge.
4. “You are so much more than your grades”
Reaffirming their worth beyond academic performance helps them maintain a healthy self-esteem.
5. “I´m sure you can figure out the next step, I’m here if you want to do it together.”
Make them feel you trust their wisdom, but offering support and guidance for the future makes them feel less alone and more capable of tackling challenges.
Supporting Them Through the Process
During Study Time
Respect your child’s unique study habits. Some children may study for long hours, while others need frequent breaks. Your support should be about understanding and respecting their methods, not enforcing your own. If they study “too much,” respect it. If they take frequent pauses and you think they are “wasting time,” respect it. Ensure your comments or advice come from the right place so they can decide whether to follow your advice or continue their way.
Pre-Exam Stress
Be present to listen to their concerns and validate their feelings. Anxiety and stress are natural responses to high-pressure situations. By acknowledging these emotions, you help them develop resilience and coping mechanisms. Don’t be scared of their stress or overwhelm; these feelings can be great teachers if embraced, making them stronger as they learn to overcome them.
Post-Exam
Once the exam is over, encourage them to relax and trust the process. If they’ve put in their best effort, reassure them that the outcome is now out of their hands. If they regret not having studied more, help them see it as a learning experience for the future. Remind them that whatever needs to happen will, and that their future is not determined by this one result.
In conclusion, exam results day is a critical moment in your child’s life, but it does not define their future or their worth. By choosing our words carefully, we can support them in a way that fosters resilience, self-worth, and a positive outlook on life. Remember, the ultimate goal is to help them become happy, well-rounded individuals who understand that success is defined by much more than grades on a piece of paper.
Good luck to everyone and remember, the world needs your children, their talents, their potential, their ideas, their passion, their presence… Enjoy the journey of taking care of your mission to help them discover their truth.
By Lorena Bernal
Article published in Belfast Telegraph
