Sep 30, 2024
Exams have always been a source of stress and anxiety for students. The anticipation, the preparation, the high stakes—all of these factors contribute to a whirlwind of emotions. On results day, these feelings culminate into a moment that can either bring elation or disappointment. As parents, what we say, and most importantly how we feel, is important for them, for us, and for our relationship with them. However, don’t worry too much as we are not the only ones who will impact how they feel about the exam results. Our job is to love them and to be somehow separate from their academic results, helping them befriend those emotions of stress and anxiety, and showing them they are safe while they explore how they feel navigating those emotional waves.
It is important to acknowledge that it is not easy for parents, especially nowadays, to teach their children how important school and results are while also showing them that it doesn’t really matter because our ultimate goal—happiness—doesn’t depend on their academic path. It’s not easy to avoid being scared if they are failing, or if we see them being lazy or not working as hard as we think they should. Finding the balance of what to say to not put too much pressure, but still convey the importance of their efforts, can be challenging.
The most important thing is to come from the right place, keep your fears in check, and accept and respect who they are as they become mature enough to build their own future. Let me help you find some ideas on what not to say to your kids on exam results day, based on how we can best support them and focusing on what truly matters: their personal growth and happiness.
Let’s first aknowledge:
The Unfairness of Exam Pressure
It can feel quite unfair to have so much at stake in a single exam. What if your child has a bad day? What if they haven’t slept well and forget crucial information? While we can all agree on how unjust this system can be, it is the reality we must navigate until changes are made. The best we can do is adapt and help our children cope with the pressures they face. And somehow trust that their inner wisdom will guide them towards their life mission.
The Difference Between Value and Performance
Ideally, we should start differentiating our kids’ value from their school performance when they are very young. This way, we won’t have to learn under stress what to say or do at the last minute when they are overwhelmed. It is essential to realise that their performance in school doesn’t define who they are, their intelligence, or their future potential success. We can all agree that ultimate success equates to happiness, and true happiness stems from other areas like self-acceptance, self-love, kindness, compassion, and gratitude—not just academic achievements. By focusing on these values, we equip our children to face exams and other life challenges with the right mindset.
The Bigger Picture
The school system, designed long ago to integrate new generations into the workforce, is not the ultimate determinant of happiness or success. Many studies have proven that what truly makes people happy is being of service to others and make a difference in their lives. The workforce is meant to give us an economic position, but it should also be seen as our way of bringing our talent to the world and collaborating with other human beings. Heal them as doctors, help them as lawyers, or teach them as teachers etc. but there are also other ways. What we learn at school and the current system is not entirely designed to foster the whole wide variety of possible talents and ways of sharing them with the world. If for some reason this traditional path isn’t the one to expand your children ´s potential, there will be other ways uncovered for sure. Knowing this in our hearts will help us be more calm and trusting facing any outcome.
We need to foster discipline, effort, and a strong work ethic, not as measures of worth, but as tools to achieve desired outcomes within the existing system. This approach helps children understand that while their efforts in studying are essential, they do not define their intrinsic value or their mission in life.
Ideas of What Not to Say on Results Day
1. “Your brother/sister did better in that subject.”
Comparing siblings can create feelings of inadequacy and resentment. Each child is unique, with different strengths and weaknesses. Celebrate their individual efforts and achievements instead.
2. “I thought you were predicted a higher mark.”
Expressing disappointment in their performance can be incredibly disheartening. Predictions are just that—predictions. Focus on their effort and the hard work they put in.
3. “This grade will affect your future.”
While it’s true that exam results can influence opportunities, emphasising this can add unnecessary pressure. Reassure them that there are multiple pathways to success and that one exam will not define their entire future.
4. “Why didn’t you study harder?”
This question only adds to their guilt and stress. Instead, ask them how they felt about the exam and what they think could be improved for next time. This promotes a constructive approach to learning.
5. “I’m disappointed in you.”
Hearing this from a parent can be devastating. Your child needs to know that your love and support are unconditional, regardless of their academic results.
What to Say Instead
1. “I’m in awe of the effort you put in, bravo.”
Recognising their hard work helps them feel valued for their dedication, not just their results.
2. “How do you feel about your results?”
This opens up a dialogue and allows them to express their emotions, making them feel heard and understood.
3. “What do you think you learned from this experience?”
Encouraging them to reflect on their experience helps them see exams as a learning opportunity rather than just a test of knowledge.
4. “You are so much more than your grades”
Reaffirming their worth beyond academic performance helps them maintain a healthy self-esteem.
5. “I´m sure you can figure out the next step, I’m here if you want to do it together.”
Make them feel you trust their wisdom, but offering support and guidance for the future makes them feel less alone and more capable of tackling challenges.
Supporting Them Through the Process
During Study Time
Respect your child’s unique study habits. Some children may study for long hours, while others need frequent breaks. Your support should be about understanding and respecting their methods, not enforcing your own. If they study “too much,” respect it. If they take frequent pauses and you think they are “wasting time,” respect it. Ensure your comments or advice come from the right place so they can decide whether to follow your advice or continue their way.
Pre-Exam Stress
Be present to listen to their concerns and validate their feelings. Anxiety and stress are natural responses to high-pressure situations. By acknowledging these emotions, you help them develop resilience and coping mechanisms. Don’t be scared of their stress or overwhelm; these feelings can be great teachers if embraced, making them stronger as they learn to overcome them.
Post-Exam
Once the exam is over, encourage them to relax and trust the process. If they’ve put in their best effort, reassure them that the outcome is now out of their hands. If they regret not having studied more, help them see it as a learning experience for the future. Remind them that whatever needs to happen will, and that their future is not determined by this one result.
In conclusion, exam results day is a critical moment in your child’s life, but it does not define their future or their worth. By choosing our words carefully, we can support them in a way that fosters resilience, self-worth, and a positive outlook on life. Remember, the ultimate goal is to help them become happy, well-rounded individuals who understand that success is defined by much more than grades on a piece of paper.
Good luck to everyone and remember, the world needs your children, their talents, their potential, their ideas, their passion, their presence… Enjoy the journey of taking care of your mission to help them discover their truth.
By Lorena Bernal
Article published in Belfast Telegraph
Sep 30, 2024
Communicating with our kids is something many of us struggle with. We often think communication is just about words, but it’s much more than that. Our children are constantly connecting with us on a heart level, perceiving our emotions through our body language, facial expressions, tone of voice, and even how we interact with others in their presence. Therefore, our first step in fostering effective communication with our children is to work on ourselves—our happiness, peace, self-confidence, and self-love. When we create a safe and balanced environment, our children feel secure enough to express themselves honestly without feeling burdened by the weight of our emotions.
Children are incredibly perceptive. If they sense that they are responsible for their parents’ happiness, they may become reluctant to communicate honestly. They need to feel free and safe to be themselves, without fearing they might upset their parents’ emotional world.
Given this foundation, there are several ways we can use words to encourage open communication. However, it’s crucial that these words come from our hearts. If our words don’t match our genuine state of being, our kids will see through it, potentially leading to mistrust. Here are five mindful questions to help develop a stronger connection with your kids:
- “What were the highlights of your day?” Approach this question with the same enthusiasm a child has for watching their favourite team’s game highlights. Ask, “Come on, what were the highlights of your day at school?” and truly listen to their response without judgment. Engage with the emotions they express, whether it’s joy, excitement, or even frustration. By avoiding labels like “good” or “bad,” you allow them to share their experiences freely.
- “Do you know what happened to me today?” Instead of asking them directly, share something interesting from your own day. This encourages them to reciprocate and share their own stories. Make your story engaging and show genuine emotion. You might say, “You won’t believe what happened to me today!” and then follow up by asking for their advice, regardless of their age. They’ll appreciate that you value their input.
- “How is your friend?” Asking about their friends shows that you care about the people important to them. This question is less direct and feels less like an interrogation. It helps build a bond between you because their social circle is a significant part of their world. By showing interest in their friends, you validate their relationships and experiences.
- Ask about something specific you remember they were going to face that day. Show them that you remember details about wha they told you. It could be about a special dish they were excited to try, an activity they had planned, or a conversation they needed to have. By recalling these specifics, you demonstrate that you pay attention to what’s important to them, fostering a sense of being seen and valued.
- Sometimes, don’t ask anything. Simply be present. Kiss them, smile, ask a casual question like, “How was your day?” and then just be with them. Comment on the weather, tell them how much you missed them, or how lovely they look. Embrace the potential silence; sometimes, children need a quiet, loving presence more than words. Share experiences, laughter, and affection.
Whatever approach you choose, refrain from judging or teaching a lesson immediately. The goal is to create a safe space where your child feels heard, valued, and free to express their true selves. Although make sure you truly hear them, value them and accept them for who they are. By asking mindful questions and being present, you build a deeper, more genuine connection with your child, laying the foundation for open and honest communication.
Parents’ expectations usually get in the way of honest communication. Instead of evaluating what our kids do or how they do it, we often judge it against our expectations. For instance, if we expect our child to complete their homework well and on time, anything short of that may seem negative or inadequate to us. Rather than approaching situations from the perspective of their needs, we often focus on them meeting our standards. To truly connect with our children, we should embrace their uniqueness and let go of our rigid expectations. Trust in their individuality and courageously release the need to control their outcomes, allowing them to grow and express themselves freely.
By Lorena Bernal
Article used in the magazine Families (Upon Thames) and Families (South West)
Sep 30, 2024
As the new school year approaches, it’s completely natural for both parents and children to feel a mix of excitement and nerves. Whether your little one is starting school for the first time, moving up to secondary school, or entering those crucial exam years, these transitions can bring up a lot of questions and concerns.
As parents, our role is to guide and support our children through these changes, helping them to feel confident, understood, and ready for what lies ahead. Below, I’ve addressed some common questions that children may have as they prepare for the school year, along with thoughtful ways we can respond to help them navigate these challenges with a sense of security and assurance.
For Kids First Starting School:
I don’t want to go to school, why do I have to?
“Oh, sweetheart, I don’t want you to go either! If I could, I’d keep you with me forever because I love having you close. But you’ve grown so much, and going to school is something you need to do to keep growing and learning. We both have to accept it, even if it’s hard, and we’ll make the best of it together.”
What if I don’t make any friends?
“You are such a wonderful person, and I know you’ll make friends because others will see how amazing you are, just like you’ll get to know some amazing kids too. It might not happen right away, and that’s okay. Your teachers will take care of you, and I’ll be right here waiting to hug and kiss you a thousand times when you come home. I’m also going to try to make friends with the other new mums, so we can all have playdates together soon!”
What if someone is mean to me?
“You know, most kids are really nice, but sometimes someone might be mean because they’re feeling angry, sad, or scared. It’s important to remember that it’s not because of you, but because of something they’re going through. If that happens, make sure to tell the grown-ups at school, and they’ll help both of you. And remember, always be kind to everyone, even if you don’t know them yet. I can’t wait to hear all your stories when you come home each day!”
For Parents:
When answering our little ones’ worries, it’s essential to validate their feelings. Avoid saying things like, “Don’t be silly” or “Don’t feel that way.” It’s crucial for them to know that we, as parents, share these feelings too—because we do. We have the same fears, and pretending we don’t isn’t helpful. Instead, we need to show them how to deal with their worries and how to embrace them. It’s also important for them to know that we love them, that no matter what, we will always be there for them. We’re a team—us and our child—not the school and us. We are in this together, facing this new challenge side by side. Right now, making them feel safe, heard, and understood is one of the keys to their emotional stability.
For Those Moving to Secondary School:
My friends are going to a different school / are going to be in a different class, what will I do?
“I know, it’s tough to think about making new friends, but if you did it once, you can definitely do it again. It’s normal to feel worried when facing something new, but you’ll find your way and make great friends just like before. Don’t rush it, and don’t change who you are to be liked—just be yourself. Most of the other kids will be in the same situation, and you’ll help each other through it.”
Are my lessons going to be a lot harder?
“Not a lot, but yes, they will be a bit harder. The good news is that you’re ready for this next step. You’ve grown, you’ve learned, and you’re prepared for what’s ahead. And if you find it too hard, don’t worry—we’ll find a way to help you keep up.”
I’m scared of being around much older children, will they be mean to me?
“You’re ready for this, but I understand it can feel a little overwhelming. Remember, soon enough, you’ll be one of the older kids too. Older kids won’t necessarily be mean, but if they are, it’s often because that’s how they try to have fun, not because of anything you’ve done. If it happens, try to walk away and tell an adult, or tell me when you get home, and we’ll figure out how to handle it together.”
I’m used to having one teacher and now I’ll have a lot, what if I don’t like one of them?
“It would actually be surprising if you liked all your teachers—I didn’t like my math teacher or my history teacher! But that’s okay. We just need to accept it and do our best. Who knows, you might end up liking them over time, or at least you’ll do well in their classes and enjoy the teachers you do like.”
I’m taking packed lunch / on free school meals, will I feel left out?
“There will always be situations in life where you might feel left out, and that’s okay. What matters is staying true to yourself. You don’t need to change who you are or go against your values to fit in. The right people will come into your life when you’re being yourself. If there’s something you want to change or try, just let me know, and we’ll explore it together so you can make choices that feel right for you.”
For Parents:
Once again, it’s crucial to validate their fears and feelings, letting them know that we’ve been there too and that we understand what they’re going through. Encourage them to stay true to themselves, even if it feels challenging, and not to follow the crowd if it doesn’t feel right. They need to feel safe and loved at home so that they have the courage to be themselves and take the risk of feeling left out. Don’t shy away from acknowledging that school can be tough and that they may face unpleasant situations, but make sure they know they are capable of handling it, and that we’re here to help if they need us.
For Those Starting Exam Years:
What if I don’t pass my exams?
“Try not to worry about that right now. Just do your best, work hard, and you’ll achieve the results you need. The most important thing is that you give it your all so that you have no regrets at the end—nothing you wish you had done differently. Whatever results you get will be the right ones for you, for your path, and for your future success. Focus on what’s within your control, and let go of the things you can’t control.”
I want to see my friends, but I’ll have so much homework. I don’t want to miss out.
“Your friends will be in a similar situation, so you’re not alone in this. As we grow older, we have to face responsibilities that sometimes keep us from seeing our family or friends as much as we’d like. The key is to make the most of the time you do spend with your friends. Don’t worry about feeling left out—true friends will always be there, even if you can’t see them all the time. You’ll catch up on what you missed, or they’ll share it with you through photos and stories. Let’s organise your time as best as we can so that you have time for everything you want and need to do. Even if it’s not as much time as you’d like, you’ll be able to enjoy those moments fully because you’ll have set aside time just for that.”
For Parents:
Our kids at this age are maturing and beginning to understand that responsibilities sometimes mean sacrificing the things we most enjoy. Helping them stay organised and present in each situation will allow them to better enjoy the journey. Try to ease any anxieties about the future by encouraging them to do their best and trust their own path. There isn’t just one answer to success, and the more they stay connected with who they are, the more they will embrace their unique path and pace.
By Lorena Bernal
Article used for Netmums magazine UK and Head Topics magazine UK
Sep 30, 2024
As summer winds down and the start of a new school year approaches, many parents find themselves navigating the challenge of helping their children transition back to school. Whether your child is moving to a new school, entering an important exam year, or simply adjusting after the holidays, this period can bring a mix of excitement and anxiety. As a mindfulness and parenting coach, I’ve seen firsthand how crucial it is to approach this transition with intention and calm. By focusing on both your mindset and your child’s emotional needs, you can create a smoother, more positive back-to-school experience for the whole family.
Easing Back-to-School Anxiety with Mindfulness
As the summer holidays come to an end, many children face anxiety about returning to school. This can be especially challenging if they’re moving schools or entering an exam year. As parents, it’s crucial to manage your own worries first. Children are highly perceptive and will pick up on your anxieties, even if you try to hide them. Ask yourself: What am I worried about? Are these fears real, or are they reflections of my own childhood? By addressing your concerns, you create a calm environment at home.
A secure and loving home fosters confidence in children. Trust in their resilience and individuality, and reassure them of your support. When children feel safe and heard, they approach new challenges with inner peace and confidence.
Use the new school year as an opportunity to reset routines. Reflect on what worked last year and what didn’t, and introduce new habits with enthusiasm. Summer often brings fresh ideas about family routines—now is the time to implement them joyfully. Assign age-appropriate responsibilities to your children, like setting their alarms or preparing clothes for the next day. These tasks help them feel mature and trusted, making mornings smoother and more enjoyable.
Incorporating positive remarks into everyday conversations can also help ease their anxiety. Casually mention how nice the school is or how happy you are with certain aspects in front of your children, but not directly to them. By overhearing these positive comments, they will internalise these messages as truths rather than feeling like they are being lectured. This subtle reinforcement can significantly boost their confidence and ease their transition back to school.
The back-to-school transition doesn’t have to be a stressful time for your family. By being mindful of your own emotions, fostering a supportive home environment, and gently guiding your children into new routines, you can help them face the new school year with confidence and calm. Remember, it’s about creating an atmosphere where everyone feels seen, heard, and valued. With these strategies in place, you and your child can approach the school year not just with readiness, but with excitement and joy.
By Lorena Bernal
This article was used in the magazine Your Healthy Living.
Sep 30, 2024
As September arrives, the transition from the warmth and freedom of summer to the structured rhythm of school and work can feel overwhelming. The lazy days of holiday bliss are still lingering in our bodies, and the thought of stepping back into the busyness of daily life can be daunting. It’s normal to feel this way. This shift marks the end of one chapter and the beginning of another, one that might not feel as appealing as the one before.
So yes, it’s okay to feel a bit of resistance, a bit of tension as the new season begins. But what if we could embrace this moment with a sense of joy, gratitude, and even excitement? September offers us a unique opportunity to reset and restart. It’s a chance to reorganise not just our schedules, but our lives—to curate our routines, our spaces, and our mindset in a way that truly supports us.
Here’s a simple guide to help you ground yourself, live in the moment, and turn this transition into a positive experience.
- Set Aside Time to Reflect and Visualise: Begin by creating space in your day to sit quietly with your thoughts. Use this time to reflect on all that needs to be done and all that you want to do. You might choose to write down these thoughts or simply visualise them. Make a list of tasks, both the essentials and the things that bring you joy. Then, prioritise them. This step is about giving yourself the gift of clarity. You are designing your September, your way.
- Create an Order, Then Take Action: With your list in hand, organise your tasks in a way that feels manageable. Remember, trying to tackle everything at once can lead to stress and even inaction. Break your list down into small, actionable steps. Focus on one task at a time, complete it fully, and then take a moment to cross it off. This simple act of completion can be incredibly satisfying and keeps you moving forward with a sense of accomplishment.
- Set Realistic Expectations: Recognise that the day has only so many hours. Assign specific times for each task—whether it’s answering emails, managing school logistics, or taking care of yourself. When you’re engaged in a task, be fully present. Enjoy the process, no matter how mundane it may seem. By focusing on doing each task to the best of your ability, you’ll find a sense of peace and purpose in even the smallest actions.
- Release the Pressure of Perfection: Remember, no one expects you to be a superwoman—except, perhaps, yourself. The truth is, if you’re handling all of these responsibilities, you already are one. So let go of unrealistic expectations and simply get to work. Focus on what you can do in this moment, and know that it is enough.
As you navigate through September, keep in mind that this is your opportunity to reset, reorganise, and realign with what truly matters to you. And remember, it’s just as important to allow yourself moments of rest and to spend quality time with your loved ones. Your children, your partner—they’re all facing this new chapter alongside you, and they undoubtedly want you by their side. Make sure that in your list, you include time to be fully present with them, to listen to their stories, and to share your own. By approaching each day with mindfulness and intention, you can transform this potentially stressful time into a season of growth, connection, and renewal.
By Lorena Bernal
This article was published in the Candis magazine (UK)
