In today’s world, finding an adult who is completely comfortable in their own skin and willing to share their true selves with others is quite uncommon. We often hold ourselves to certain standards of perfection in looks and behaviour, feeling better the closer we get to those ideals. This leads us to mask our inner selves, adopting identities that we believe better suit the different worlds we navigate. While this phenomenon is widespread among adults, it mostly has its roots in childhood. Understanding this journey can help us guide our children toward embracing their true selves.
As we grow, we develop different identities depending on who we are with and where we are. This chameleon-like ability to adapt can sometimes make it difficult to recognise and embrace our true selves. It’s a skill learned early in life, often as a response to societal expectations. We can help our kids and ourselves by remembering that, as part of nature, we are already perfect. Like every single tree or flower, we should stand tall and confident, knowing who we are and that we are fulfilling our purpose without judgment. We shouldn’t judge them, we shouldn’t judge ourselves, and we shouldn’t judge anyone in front of them.
The purity of Childhood
Children are born pure and unashamed of any part of their being. They freely show their bodies, speak their minds, and offer hugs or kisses without hesitation. They are loud, open, and full of wonder, unencumbered by societal norms. However, sooner or later, the adults around them begin to teach them how to meet certain standards. A toddler who freely expresses emotions may be told to “calm down” or “act properly” in public. This is when children start to cover up their true selves, learning to fit into the molds set by their surroundings, usually in an effort to be loved by their adults.
Learning from Pretending Adults
Children are perceptive and quickly notice when adults around them are pretending. They see the masks their parents and other adults wear and, feeling confused, start to cover their own truths. If a child sees a parent act differently around friends or colleagues, they might begin to think that authenticity is something to hide. This cycle of pretending can be broken by adults who are willing to find, embrace, and show their true selves. Even if your teenager tells you how embarrassing you are for being loud, laughing weirdly, or feeling happy and free, inside they are uncovering the veil that will allow them to be themselves too. This is, of course, assuming this behaviour is not caused by any substance intake but stems from a joyful acceptance of our beautiful gift of living.
The best gift we can give our children is to be true to ourselves. By discovering who we truly are, embracing it, and showing it to the world, we demonstrate to our children that they too can be themselves. While it’s important to adapt to social norms, this should not come at the cost of losing our true selves.
Seeing Our Children for Who They Are
To help our children feel confident, we must see them for who they truly are, not for who we want them to be. This means acknowledging their unique qualities and accepting them without trying to mould them into our expectations. When children feel seen and accepted, they gain the confidence to show their true selves.
Parents often pinpoint their children’s faults or mistakes, holding them to high expectations. This sends a message that perfection is the goal and that anything less is unacceptable. How can our children feel confident to show their true, imperfect selves if they believe they won’t be accepted and loved? It’s essential to allow room for mistakes and imperfection, reinforcing that they are loved for who they are, not just for what they achieve. Unorganised, non-sporty, not well-mannered, noisy, rude, too active, too shy… Really? Do we need to constantly show them how imperfect we think they are?
We should definitely teach them how to behave according to societal norms, but always let them know that this won’t increase their true value. After they learn the norms, they have the free will to make choices aligned with who they want to be. In the meantime, we suggest, we teach, we show, and we don’t expect, but we trust.
Battling Unrealistic Standards
The standards portrayed on social media are incredibly high. Children are bombarded with messages that they need to be beautiful, fit, confident, proud, activist, funny, smart, goofy, and more. When they inevitably experience human flaws and emotions that don’t align with these ideals, they feel faulty. As parents, we must be there to reassure them, showing love in ways they understand and making sure we don’t demand perfection.
This reassurance shouldn’t always be conveyed through conversation and logic, but through gestures, tones, touch, and by spreading a loving energy that they will perceive. Even if we try to convince them with words, they will know when those words don’t come from truth and are simply learned lessons on how to parent. Authenticity in our actions and emotions is key to providing the support our children need to navigate these unrealistic standards.
Balancing Work and Home Life
Many working parents run their families as if they were companies, seeking results, avoiding mistakes, and measuring success. This approach can create a home environment focused on performance rather than love. Our children have the rest of their lives to strive for success; what they need now is a foundation of love, acceptance, and security. By creating a safe home environment, we enable them to embark on their adult lives from a place of confidence and self-acceptance.
Let’s prioritise creating a safe, loving home, even if we are scared of not being the most successful parents, ensuring our children feel seen, heard, and loved. That’s all they need while you are teaching them life lessons by embodying them and by advising from a wise guide point of view.
Let’s guide our children toward a future where they can confidently show the world their true, beautiful selves while they can work on becoming who they are meant to become.
By Lorena Bernal
This text was used for an article in MMB Magazine.
