The journey to self-acceptance is not smooth sailing. We start life unburdened by societal pressures and slowly they creep up on us, affecting how we think and feel about ourselves. But with social media playing such a huge part in our lives now – and even influencing children at primary school age – we need to be more proactive in how we help our families learn to love themselves.
As our kids grow, we might notice them become more aware of their appearance and slightly insecure about who they are becoming. That’s normal – but it can easily become insidious if these negative thoughts start shaping every part of their identity and who they think they should become, rather than who they actually are.
As a life coach, my job is to help people live more authentically and build their confidence. So here are some simple ways to help your family have a summer of self-love.
Start with Yourself
Whether we mean to or not, many of us will be guilty of speaking negatively about our appearance or our abilities in the company of our children. We may not realize the impact that this can have at the time, but children are perceptive learners and will eagerly watch how you act and feel about yourself – and copy it in their own self-critical behaviors.
To truly teach our children to embrace self-love requires us as parents to lead by example. Pretending to love our bodies when we do not serves no purpose. Instead, we must acknowledge everything that makes us unique. Our faces tell the stories of our ancestors, and our skills tell the stories of our experiences. Next time you look in the mirror, think of the people you can see reflected back at you. Your mother’s height, your father’s eyes, your grandparents in your kind nature. The path to self-love starts with you.
Remind Them What They’re Capable Of
A human being is a marvel. Our brains have given us the power to communicate and express our thoughts vividly, and our bodies experience the physical sensations of a warm sunset, music, ice cream, and the fresh scent of summer flowers. Reminding ourselves of how much we put our bodies through, and how grateful we should be for it, can transform how we see ourselves.
Encourage your kids to take a quiet moment to ground themselves and recognize how they are feeling. Are they happy or sad? Do they have lots of energy to run around or need some time to relax? What can they smell or taste in the air? Recognizing how our bodies react and respond to what’s going on around us can help us feel more in control of it, and more appreciative of how it looks after us. Remember, there is no one more beautiful than a person who feels fulfilled, at peace, and in love with life.
Celebrate Their Beauty
We all love beauty, and it’s normal for kids to want to feel pretty. Don’t invalidate that desire. Instead, love them, and tell them how beautiful they are. Compliment their eyes, their hair, their smile. Admire the observable result of their beautiful inner world. Tell them how much they look like their dad, their grandpa, or anyone they resemble, with genuine admiration. If they feel you admire them, they will find it easier to admire themselves.
Drop the Expectations
Social media bombards us with curated images of a perfect life on a daily, if not hourly, basis. How we look, feel, behave, or connect with others – everything online appears to be effortless and flawless. But when we inevitably have emotions or experiences that fall outside of these unachievable standards, it’s easy to feel like we’re not good enough. For children in particular, they can find themselves constantly trying and failing to live up to something that didn’t exist in the first place.
But parents are also guilty of setting standards for our kids to live up to. When we think about what we want them to be in the future and our ambitions for their lives, we often have this picture in our heads of the awesome person we want them to turn into. By comparing them to this idealized image, we stop seeing and valuing them for who they are and instead add more pressure and stress onto their sense of being ‘enough’.
As parents, we must love unconditionally, making sure we don’t demand perfection and reassuring them that we value and cherish them, just as they are. Stop comparing your kids with other kids. Don’t think the better they are, the better you are. Feel they are perfect and great, and you will help them feel that way about themselves. This message doesn’t have to be verbalized; loving gestures and your energy towards them are enough to show how you feel. But it must be authentic for them to believe and accept this reality, so do ensure that it is coming from the heart.
Create a Safe Space to Talk About Their Worries
We first need to remember that nothing will worry them if it doesn’t worry us first. Those thoughts or feelings they are having are normal discovery emotions. If we are worried about them, they will be worried too. If we accept them and decide to help them deal with them, it must come from an acceptance of them feeling that way and not from labeling that state as “a problem to solve otherwise you won’t be happy.” So from that state of mind, talking about what makes us beautiful is another good way to encourage children to start on the journey to self-love. The goal is to create a safe space where your child feels they are able to be open and honest, so don’t interrupt them and be truly engaged in the conversation. Ask open questions that focus on the positives in their lives. What do their friends or siblings like about them? What are they most proud of? When have they felt happiest?
Don’t freak out if they don’t feel pretty, strong, or good enough. You will make them freak out too. It’s okay; we can all feel that way. Reassure them that they are loved, profoundly loved, and make sure you express this all the time, even when you are angry at them, telling them off. They feel the subtle difference between disappointment in who they are or disappointment in what they have done. It’s a subtle difference, but it makes a huge impact on how the kid receives your message.
You could also take the opportunity to talk about your own self-esteem and any challenges you’ve faced over the years. Being open about this with your child can help them understand that these feelings are a normal part of living in our society and reassure them that you are always there as a helping hand to guide them through their journey of self-acceptance.
By Lorena Bernal
Article used in Smaltalk Magazine.
