When you’re in the midst of an argument with a partner, it can sometimes be hard to rationalise what they’re saying with what you’re hearing. We want to find a resolution but we end up assigning blame to decide who wins and loses this fight. In doing so, we find ourselves working against each other instead of resolving the issue as one.
In my line of work, I see couples who often find themselves entangled in conflicts, struggling to find resolutions for a myriad of reasons. These disputes can be intensified by unhealed wounds triggered by past experiences, leading to reactions that are loud and lack the nuance of a mature approach. In other instances, conflicts persist beneath the surface, accumulating over time without a clear avenue for resolution. It could be the result of a lack of maturity in handling difficult conversations, or the emotional storm surrounding the issue may feel too overwhelming to address.
Regardless of the reasons, the common thread is that conflicts persist when both parties are either unwilling or unable to confront and resolve them. Some may approach disagreements with a desire to emerge victorious, shifting the focus away from finding common ground. Others may seek a hasty resolution to avoid the discomfort that conflicts often bring. Yet, in both cases, the core issue remains unresolved.
As a life coach, my recommendation is to address conflicts in a mature manner once the emotional storm has subsided. Only then can couples engage in meaningful dialogue, fostering understanding and working together to find lasting resolutions to their challenges.
Here, I present a step-by-step guide to help couples address conflicts constructively and without attributing blame.
Firstly, you have to get your mind in the right place. Here are four things you can do to prepare:
- Set Aside Dedicated Time: Schedule at least 30 minutes to specifically focus on resolving the conflict. This dedicated time allows both partners to give their full attention to the issue at hand without distractions.
- Open Your Heart: Before delving into the conflict, take a moment to remind yourself and your partner that you love each other. If uncertainties about love exist, address them as the foundational step before proceeding.
- Open Your Mind: Recognise that both of you perceive the problem differently. Step into each other’s shoes simultaneously, acknowledging that each person’s viewpoint is valid. Embrace empathy and understanding to create a common ground.
- Shift the Focus: Move from an adversarial “you against me” mindset to a collaborative “us against the problem” approach. This shift lays the foundation for cooperative problem-solving.
Now you’re mentally ready, follow this exercise together to help strengthen these conversations and your connection.
Step 1: Silent Eye Contact Exercise
- Seat yourselves facing each other. Maintain eye contact in silence for 5 minutes. It might feel like a long term, but it’s a great opportunity to breathe, regulate your emotions, and foster vulnerability.
Step 2: Verbalise Honest Perspectives
- With open hearts, take turns expressing your views on the conflict. Focus on personal feelings and perceptions, avoiding assumptions about the other person’s thoughts or intentions.
Step 3: Mutual Acknowledgment and Apology
- Both partners say, “I love you. I’m sorry if my actions made you feel badly; it wasn’t my intention.” This fosters mutual acknowledgment and opens the door to understanding.
Step 4: Propose Solutions Together
- Instead of complaining and blaming, offer constructive suggestions for resolution. Take turns in speaking and don’t interrupt. Collaborate on finding common ground and agree on a solution that works for both.
In embarking on the exercise, it is crucial to shift the focus from blame and hurt towards a solution-oriented mindset. Solving conflicts becomes a journey guided by good intentions and love, as couples strive to understand each other’s perspectives and work collaboratively against the problem rather than against each other.
For those finding the exercise challenging, it may be an opportune moment to revisit the foundations of their emotional personality, delving deeper into self-awareness and growth. If one partner is more receptive to the process than the other, demonstrating empathy becomes key.
In navigating this process, it’s essential to step away from logical analysis and connect profoundly with your heart and the love you hold for your partner. By doing so, you set the stage for success. Remember, the journey to resolving conflicts is a shared one, and success is attainable when approached with sincerity, empathy, and a genuine commitment to the well-being of your relationship. Go for it.
This article was used in a Belfast Telegraph publication.
